The funny thing is I have forgotten how to become really angry. I have forgotten the best way to react when I just hit rock bottom. I have forgotten about what I must be doing or should have done when it hurts. I have forgotten to feel.
It has happened too many times, that I am not sure what's happening anymore.
It has happened too many times that I am not sure if what I am doing now is the right thing to do.
It has happened too many times and now it is happening again.. that, truly, was it fake or real?
Funny but I don't feel human at all. I think I have become a robot. A super woman, maybe? Lol!
I have to start feeling again, but with the situation now, and how memories just flooded my brain cells again... I am not really sure.
The joke may be on me. But it sure feels not right, not humane, and honestly, I cannot even process.
Because I know, I cannot change anyone, because I know deep down, it may be the truth - there's nothing I can do.
Tears wouldn't fall, I've just become calloused. I am not sure what will happen next. All I know for now is that I should be hurting, but I don't feel anything. Just curious. Weird.
A movie in my mind.
I have to change gears, change channels and remember that my circumstances are but my reflection of my inner self. When I change my thoughts, my world around me changes.
I may have no control of what others feel or think. But I do.
I control my timeline. I control my reaction. I control my life.
God rescue please.
NAMASTE.
-day 124
if above post is related to our recent conversation, then i must say i felt annoyed at first. just remember, misery loves company and i don't want to be part of someone else's misery especially if it's solely his doing. i credit my husband for shifting my emotions.
ReplyDeleteagree! i credit my hubby too for diversion! lol!
DeleteIf you're hurt, then you're still human...let those people know how you feel...then forgive!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately it has become too complicated, too many involved and of legal matter/issue na. Indifference isn't the key. You're right on forgiveness, but justice needs to be served.
DeleteI envy those people na hindi marunong magalet, haha
ReplyDeletethis sounds so sad. And I can relate for almost a decade I feel the same, and now I am finally letting go. There are just things in life that we cannot control but unlike you, I am still hurting. ;(
ReplyDeleteI always say that the next point after giving up is being numb but you're a trooper and you'll get past this. It's the only option you'll have in the long run.
ReplyDeleteYou have become numb to the pain... Must be too much already? Oh, when it's a legal matter already, then that's really serious... Hope things turn out ok for you... take care
ReplyDeleteI dont know what happened but I sure know how you felt. Feeling numb with all that's going on and you want to break free and just burst but just couldnt. I still have some issues of that now but i guess I learned to appreciate the importance of breaking loose every now and then. I hope you somehow got to resolve yours too
ReplyDeleteNot getting angrycould be an advantage too, no one gets angry at you in return lol...just that when all those emotions pile up, you're a walking bomb. A teardrop would help for sure...(Even though I'm not sure what you're pertaining to, hope you get better)
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you're still hurting and angry means that you're still human. Whatever it is that your going through, lift it up to God. He will be there to see you through it.
ReplyDeleteI too envy those people who don't get mad. I am the opposite and I hate this attitude in me which is so sensitive. Though I'm trying the best of my ability not to show it but still deep inside it's working on in me. And I hate it.
ReplyDeletePain is what make a person strong, though it may make or break him/her if not handled wisely.
ReplyDeleteEven without having any personal knowledge of what you're going through, your post reveals pain and anguish while ending with a positive note in asking God's help. Whatever it is, it will come to pass.
ReplyDeleteWe feel the same, that sometimes I want to be a super woman, like darna hahhaha!!!
ReplyDeleteThis feeling is understandable given that you've pushed too far. Its as if you're soo mad but you're also drained. Whenever I feel this way, I write. I just write about it. It helps me release all the suppressed or underlying feelings that at times I'm not even aware of.
ReplyDeletei understand how you feel, its frustrating when you get angry and you get to lose yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt means you've become numb because of too much anger and sadness. I too feels that way sometimes. It just makes me want to die and end it all at once.
ReplyDelete